Relationships and the over 50s

As we approach retirement, the relationship with our partner is brought heavily into focus. The children have usually left home and many couples feel that they no longer have a common goal in life. They may have little to say to one another and this is brought into the open when there is no longer another person in the house to talk to. Many women also feel 'redundant' especially if they have devoted their lives to bringing up their family with few or no outside interests. The problems can be exacerbated by retirement when couples who no longer appear to have anything in common are forced to spend a great deal of time together. Often where one or both partners have worked, this has 'masked' problems in the relationship. Having to spend long periods of time together can mean that problems in a relationship can no longer be avoided.

For these couples, with children no longer at home, no common or separate interests and spending all day and every day together, retirement can push an already shaky relationship over the edge. Feelings of resentment and hostility towards the other partner can build to such an extent that separation and divorce are seen as the only solution. Another cause of separation and divorce at this stage in life can be due to one of the partners forming a relationship outside their marriage. Some people in retirement or who are in are job where they are not fulfilled can feel as though they no longer have a purpose in life. This, in turn, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. By pursuing a new relationship they are able to avoid those feelings especially where the new partner displays adoration providing a boost to their self-esteem. Sometimes such relationships lead to happy second marriages but in many cases they do not. Having no shared history and shared children in common, and problems of resentment on the part of children towards the new partner can place an intense strain on the new relationship - causing many to regret their decision to divorce their previous partner.

It is important for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship to seek counselling. Relate has trained counsellors who deal with couples in such situations on a daily basis. They are often successful in helping couples to work together to identify and resolve their problems. Relate offers not only advice and relationship counselling but also sex therapy, workshops and mediation. Consultations and support are offered face-to-face, by phone and through their website.

There are also many trained counsellors based throughout the UK who see couples privately on a fee paying basis.

Separation & Divorce

Where problems cannot be resolved and separation and divorce inevitable, the couple are now faced with an uncertain future. Feelings of abandonment, hostility towards the other partner and loneliness are a few of the many feelings experienced by the newly separated. At this stage, it is essential to seek support from others who are experiencing or who have experienced the break up of their marriage. No one can understand the feelings and problems of others better than those have experienced it themselves.

Divorce Recovery Workshop, a registered charity started in the UK by Andrew Ball, provides support and guidance to the newly separated and divorced. It is a UK nationwide self-help group run by volunteers who have personally experienced a relationship breakup and have attended the workshop themselves. The course of six weekly evening sessions helps an individual come to terms with a relationship that has irretrievably broken down. The sessions are designed to enable people to better understand what they are going through, provide them with support from others in the same situation and assist in the process of readjustment in their lives. Divorce Recovery Workshop offers a secure environment for discussion and understanding of feelings, and has the added advantage of providing a new circle of friends with whom to socialise beyond the workshop sessions.

Bereavement

Bereavement can occur both prior to and during retirement.
It is especially difficult for retired people to cope with losing
a partner as they no longer have work to provide them with
a focus and the opportunity to see people on a daily basis.

For many, particularly those who have few friends and outside interests, the intense pain, grief and loneliness they experience can lead to depression and feelings of hopelessness. Bereavement counselling can play a major part in helping people through this period. Cruse Bereavement Care supports and promotes the well being of bereaved people and helps anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. Cruse provides counselling and offers information, advice and education. Visit their website to find your local branch. Visit also the BBC website on bereavement which offers very useful, practical advice on coping with grief and bereavement. You can also find many forums and support groups for bereavement on-line which enables you to share your experiences and feelings with others.

New Realtionships

After a period of grief and mourning over the break up of a marriage or the death of a partner, which may take several years, some people feel that they have reached a stage where they would like to pursue a new relationship. For those who have an active social life, the possibilities exist for them to meet a new partner through their circle of friends. Where this is not the case, meeting someone through a shared interest or hobby should be considered.

Before forming a new relationship it is important is to ensure that you are ready. Some people rush into a new relationship after divorce due to loneliness and low self esteem. Such feelings of loneliness can equally be the case for the bereaved. In order to have someone in their lives as soon as possible, they may choose someone who is totally unsuitable or compromise on aspects of personality and behaviour that they would normally find unacceptable. Forming a new relationship based on our own insecurities means that it is more likely to fail and leave us feeling even more depressed and lonely. It is important to recognise that others cannot make us feel good about ourselves. That has to come from within. Setting ourselves goals and challenges in which we succeed (that are not focused on relationships), and developing a wide circle of friends, hobbies and interests makes us feel good about ourselves and makes us an interesting person to know. A new relationship that is formed from a position of confidence and strength is much more likely to succeed.

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